Barons - Dumber please

     Dummer pleez. u nede mor dum. Git dummer. Mor dummer u git. B dummer u.
Du knot undum. Nevver u undum. Doent u dair undum. Dum guud. Dum protekt u.
Dum keap u dum at nite and num in tha mornng. Dum keap u mindliss all dae.
Dum nevver allone. Dum haz frendz. Sum u c sum u doent. Dum adorz dum.
Dum feedz dum. Dum feedz off of dum. Dum witherz withowt dum. Dum keaps dum
allive.
    

      Telavishun netwrk xekutivs luv dum. Dum iz ezy, cheep, thotliss. Teevee
komershals dum. Korpurit sponzer hooks dum whith predy collers and dum
whordz. Dum luv advurtizemint. Dum bye prahducks advurtized in komershal.
Korpurit bosses like teevee newzkasts that r dum downed 4 tha dum. Dum like
tha dum downed newz. Komershals dum like tha dum downed newz wauched by dum
kunsumers.
    

      Korpurit sponzerz luv dum. Korpurit nkorages dum. Dummer netwrk evining
newz. Dummer lokol newz. Dummer in the mornning and dummer at luntch. Dum
dee-dee dum dee dum-dum.
Milionz wil dum owt if tha newz doent dum 'em good. Dum newz, dum
kumershals and smart teevee netwrk xekutivs. Wot a big, dum and winning
kombinashon. Ohh, its sooo dum.
News flash: "Possible nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan"
Response from network executive: "Who kares? Ownly tha politikal savvy
pae attenshon to sutch storeez. Politikal junkeez r knot our targit
oddients."
    

      Feedback from corporate sponsor: "Indeea whot? Packistan who? Dummer
down. Our loyal viewerz wil toon owt sutch a downer of a storee. Xtend your
koverage abowt that butt hole who didnt merder tha littl gerl in Kolorawdo.
Tha dum wil toon in by tha millienz, and tha dum r tha onez bying our
producks."
News flash: "Iraqi civil war - tens of thousands killed in sectarian
violence."
Network executive: "Dummer down. Korpurit sez bak off on Irack."
Corporate: "Keap it dum. All dum all tha tyme. No thinck peeces. No
kontroversee. Just dum 4 tha dum dee-dee dum."
News flash: "American dream all but in the garbage can. Over population. Globel warming."
    

      Corporate: "No, no, no. Not dum enuf. Dum, dum all of tha tyme. Dummer
down, damit."
Network stands behind the integrity of its journalists, and responds,
"But... ."
Corporate: "Butt nuffin'. Itz our dum whay or wee wil tayke our bizness
elzeware. Wee nead dum 4 tha dum. Dummer, damit. Watt othir storeez have u
bin folloween?"
Reporter: "We've got a lead on a British Petrolium pipeline bursting in
Alaska. It's an ecological disaster. This is big stuff. The public needs to know."
    

      Corporate: Blah, blah, blah. Dummer down. Giv it 20 sekons. Weve got
fynanshal tize with BP. Stauk holdirz kuud feal a pinch if baad press gut
owt. Wee nead 2 dummer down. Dummer 4 krying owtlowd. Keap tha storee short
and mindliss. Weve gott 2 cell produks. Dummer down."
Reporter: "Might be insightful to re-address racial tensions in the
United States and the human tragedy unfolding in the Durfur region of the Sudan."
Network: "Rayshal? Tenshons? Trajadee? Tha intalekchuals r not our
targit oddeeance. They arent tha onez bying our sponzers producks. Got 2
dummer down. Letz run tha storee bye our loyel sponzer."
    

      Corporate: "No, no, no. 2 kontrovurshal. Theze r tha kind of storeez
that rekwire an analitakal mind 2 komprehend its kumplexateez. 2 mutch
truthe. A harsh reealatee. Theyll toon owt bye tha milyonz. Got 2 dummer
down. How abowt runing tha videeoh klip of tha kat that wawks on its 2 frunt
pawz? Milyonz wil toon in."
Network: "Now thats frickin' dum."
Corporate: "Our dum targit oddyance wil wet ther pantz ovver sutch a
dum peece. Dummer down. More the dum bigger the profit. Keep it ezy, on tha
cheep and mindliss. Weve gott 2 dummer down."
    

      (Author's note: If this mindless commentary offended anyone's
sensibilities, you can rest assured that the next time I'll dummer down.)

by Randy Schaefer